Oh Beezelbub

Another EVIL PRAYER, revealed. I cannot say where I get these, though I have come across them at great personal jeopardy. I post this as a WARNING, to those of you who do not think the forces of darkness and devil worship are real. This prayer is every bit as real as the Satanic sex ring at the McMartin preschool, and should be taken seriously. Once again, DO NOT attempt to read this invocation aloud, or it could have serious consequences to your well-being.

Oh, Beezlebub, lord of the Flies.

Once known as Baal, rival Yaweh for celestial power, god of the golden calf and tempter of the Hebrews in their shameful flight from Egypt, patron of the City of Carthage, whose sacrificial urns did run red with the blood of children, an honor to your lordship, and of Ninevah, where men did raise great battle flags in your honor and conquer great kingdoms, destroying the ancient kingdom of Israel in your name. Lord Beezlebub, who sits at the right had of Lucifer himself, brothers in arms against Heaven and Earth, who fought the heavenly hoardes with a flaming sword. Beezlebub, Lord Mighty! ruler of hell and master of infernal dominions, grant me the power to make war, sow destruction, and spread plague.

Accept this, my sacrifice, a bull's head, in a silver bowl, dead and rotting for sixty six days time, under the summer sky day and night the whole time, and festering with flies.

Your Lordship, grant me the power to spread jealousy among the churches and congregations, to instill fears of embezzled twenty dollar bills and cannabis butter at the church bake sail, to provoke bullying and orgies of buggering as the church campout, to lead fine young men astray to worship false gods like Judas Priest, Mercyful Fate, and Iron Maiden. I will continue the war with heaven, my master, by tempting good and faithful priests to bow and touch my ivory backside, to kiss my immoral black lips, by tempting noble and honest ministers with prostitutes and promises of cocaine, by tempting girl scouts with cannabis-laden cookies and the notion of a life without servitude to men. Beezlebub, master, I await your infernal command.