my status as a positive teen role model

I am having so much trouble being a POSITIVE TEEN ROLE MODEL. First of all, I am not a positive person. I have no overarching positive charge, so to speak, or at least, any electrical fields I emit are my own damned business. Another thing about being positive is that a person tends to attract electrons that way, and I hate electrons. I hate teens, actually. I hate pretty much everything, including teens and electrons. This does not make me a positive person. Speaking of teens, I might be a little old to serve as a role model for them. I have never read an issue of Tiger Beat magazine, and I do not know their pop celebrities. I admire Gille de Rais for killing so many teens, actually. He had a great mustache. These all make my status as a positive teen role model problematic, especially since I am usually under the influence of mind altering drugs. Drugs are a good thing, in moderation, and that makes them even more of a good thing when used immoderately. I like to tell teens that life is meaningless, and that they should do drugs to make the pain go away. This is good, advice, I think, and by doing so, I can really connect with them. I suppose, it was these sorts of conversations, drunk and under the influence of mind altering drugs, that led me to believe I could achieve celebrity status as a POSITIVE TEEN ROLE MODEL, but it is not working.

A Partial List of Extrasolar Monsters You Should Avoid

Cerambranian man-swallower
Necrotic spore-thrower
Arcturian brainweb worm
Eobrontops
introduced Requium sharks
pyro beetles
Delgonian Mind Leach
Nadrick, of Palain 7
Sargon
introduced venomous warp spider
howler
white tipped neoshark
pig destroyer
Red shafted impaler
creeping shadows
skull flies
zoospores
Xenomorph, variety seven
Xenomorph, variety six
parachuting doll demons
executioner fungi
fangstones
purple worms
doughballs
Mother
Solaris
Mersian
The Legion of Doom