this is horrible

this is, indeed, horrible. going back to a blog is like going back to an AA meeting after a month long drinking binge. arrrghhhh....feels better already. it was a failure caused by high expectations...i did not want to just blog ANYTHING....it had to be "good", whatever that is. meanwhile, we have watched the entire structure of finance collapse, a titan with clay feet falling over into the desert, crushing thousands of us under its bulk as it shatters, more to perish because the angered gods will cause economic drought and wilting. meanwhile, my daughter is locked and loaded, the miscreant kicking every time the mother eats a cheesburger. i will probably look back on this as a simple, happy time, but in fact i have a headache nearly always and find myself perpetually distracted, nonproductive in a very banal way. it is all about that collapsing colossus....i enjoy seeing it topple, but here i am, wanting to shore it up with a scaffolding of bamboo, because i am underneath it like everybody else. meanwhile, fish swim free out there in the north pacific, and color-changing squid. jupiter is unaffected. i have just realized that it is absolutely impossible to ever know the answer to the life after death riddle, because to die is to stop being capable of knowing anything, any person who dies is effectively insulated from the knowledge that the game is over. nor horrible, just a fact of existence.