Concerning Gnomes

I hate gnomes because they are full of "clever antics." I once new a gnome who liked to go invisible and start switching around the money in people's wallets, giving to the poor from the rich, and other such crap. Hippie. They impersonate garden statues. Fully half the time you walk by one of those charming garden gnomes, thinking it to be just a statue, it is a real gnome, with a glamour put on itself to resemble a statue...standing very still. They think this is clever. I find it to be banal. The Travelocity gnome is actually very rich, and very drunk, right now. I used to be friends with the guy...trust me, he drinks, he drinks a good deal. This whole business of mailing garden gnomes around the world and photographing them was a gnome plot for some free kicks. No harm done, except that gnomes bring their weird little games with them wherever they go. I knew this gnome that made mushrooms spring up wherever he went. Half the fungi were exotic, psychadelic, and obnoxiously cute. Amanita muscaria is a favorite gnome mushroom....the smaller gnome varieties shellac the fruiting bodies and live inside their tiny little houses, smoking little pipes, collecting pointy hats and such. As I mentioned earlier, gnomes hate Einstein's theory of relativity, because it contradicts the gnomic view of the universe, they also detest bacon, constrictor snakes (for obvious reasons), and of course, goblins. Gnomes hate goblins, and have a perverse antipathy for any person who does not also hate goblins, effectively dragging everyone else into their business. In the SouthWest, huge gangs of gnomes, on minature motorcycles, called "gnomercycle gangs" roam the backroads, pretending to be badasses. Mostly, they do this invisibly, leaving a trail of tiny beer cans along the road. They run like hell when goblins show up.