The Weak Do Not Deserve to Eat Here

The Weak Do Not Deserve to Eat Here
a Culinary Review of Kuma's Corner
By Psycho Butcher

It is a discernible fact of human existence that there are stupid, witless human beings who have little appreciation for the life granted to them by dark unknowable powers, and that these are the majority. These people consume vast amounts of frozen food, eat at TGIFridays with some regularity, obsess about their girth, or the lack of it, and generally cannot tell decent food from the massmarket crap that pervades every opportunity to stuff a ho-ho or McNugget into an orifice. Note, gentle reader, I am not saying there is anything wrong with occasionally getting high and debasing one's self with a bag of Doritos, or wandering through the drive through of a Mc Donalds and, in an intoxicated state, shoving fistfuls of lovely fries down ones throat while sitting in a parking space. Such episodes are a vital to the process of being human, and debasement has its place in the scheme of things. The crux of the matter is that stupid people cannot tell the difference between a hamburger that is a true work of culinary genius and a massmarket piece of crap designed to appease the masses. Kuma's serves the former, not the latter. In fact, the hamburgers at Kumas rank among the finest culinary accomplishments in the city, along with the hot dogs at Hot Doug's, the sandwiches at Bari, and the cassoulet at La Sardine.

This place is also notable because it is a bar devoted to Metal, in all its destructive energy, ostentation, glory, and ugly grandeur. It is a virtual shrine to Metal and its aesthetic, from the names of the menu items to the vinyl on display over the bar, from the malevolent bear logo, to the "Die Emo Die" written in chalk above everything else over the bar. It is a place where metalheads go to finally hear their favorite music, played without irony or apology, as they dine, get drunk, or otherwise enjoy themselves. The place is devoted to supporting the local scene, and acts such as The Lair of the Minotaur and Plague Bringer receive equal billing to the likes of Neurosis and Darkthrone.

The place is frequently very busy, especially at those hours when a hamburger and three pints of beer seem like a good idea. If you cannot tolerate a wait for a table, you are weak, you should not go here. The strong know that waiting for a table means that, either the food is good, or that there are not many other options around. Every stupid bar in the city has a hamburger, so the second contingency is void. The food is that good.

I have watched many a petulant couple enter the place, notice the wait, then leave and it is always amusing to note instances where the would-be carnivores were scared off by the music. One particularly notable example walked in, dressed to go somewhere nice, the way yuppies do. The woman, seeing the place and hearing the crushing strains of Mayhem and Pig Destroyer, lambasted the man for bringing her to a trashy place, full of metalhead vermin. He left with his tail between his legs, emasculated. Fool.

I will not describe the menu except to say that the Mac and Cheese is every bit as good as the burgers. The salads are surprisingly good, because to neglect them and have them on the menu would defy the place's monstrous and uncompromising commitment to metal superiority, the selection of beers and wines is appropriate, and that to serve a hamburger, crumbled over a bed of fries, as the Slayer is served, is genius.

I am pleased to report that they have made some progress on their fries, which are now quite good. This is important, because an excellent hamburger served with average fries is an average experience.

Kuma's Corner is as 2900 West Belment. kumascorner.com